Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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