Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(703): View more from Virginia

someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(516): View more from New York

All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums

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(971): View more from Oregon

Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard

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(626): View more from California

Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.

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(707): View more from California

It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF

(919): View more from North Carolina

They call him magic hands is all I know.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Somethings are best left a mystery

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