Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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