I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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