If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
