Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
