how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
