My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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