By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
