I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
