Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
