last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
