Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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