sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
