1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
