so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
