I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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