Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
