one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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