i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
