filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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