You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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