i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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