Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We need to get me chipped asap
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
