my mouth tastes like poor choices
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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