Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
