I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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