Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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