my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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