just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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