Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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