So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
