'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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