What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
