"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
