we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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