Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
