she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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