I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
