I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
