how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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