Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
