He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
