Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
