she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
