Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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