I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
