Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
