Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
