My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
