Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
