I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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