just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
