I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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