Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
