just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
