We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize