So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
