You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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