My hand turned me down
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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