If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
