Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
