and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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