is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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