two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
